Okay. So you really want to get to know us?
Promise you won’t judge or laugh?
This is as fresh and real as it gets (outside of a true face to face).
And rather than your typical yawn-worthy “About Us” page, (where the owner writes really nice, politically correct things about themself in third person, but pretends it’s someone else) — we’re gonna pull back the curtain and drop some of the most intimate details about us.
I used to take all of my clothes off when I had to poop.
This was when I was younger (thank God I have broken the habit.) I have no idea how or why this happened, but I think I had a fear of getting poop on my clothes. My mom still makes fun of me to this day for it.
I have used baby wipes since I was 20 years old. Cleanliness is my policy. I’m a baby wipe addict and have been for 18 years now. I don’t leave home without them and if I do? A shower has to follow. Gotta stay clean, ya know?
I was so far ahead of the “adult baby wipe curve,” I should’ve been a multi-millionaire by now. If only I’d been smart enough to make a blog for THAT back in the day. (Sigh.)
I don’t like camping.
At this point, are you starting to see a pattern? Hmm, maybe having something to do with being dirty?
Luckily for you, this one doesn’t stem from any sort of bathroom activity.
I used to have a pressure washing business and I would wash heavy equipment. Grease and mud galore, full helmet and full white suit required.
This job officially ruined the whole wanting to live in the woods without showering for day’s thing.
I do love the outdoors, though, and am not opposed to “roughing it” in a sweet, fully-furnished RV. Wink.
I am deathly afraid of losing my hair and have a strict (secret) hair care regimen that I follow. I once built a 300 diode laser helmet at home so I could ensure super growth and longevity of my locks.
I later sold the helmet because I was freaked out I might be doing irreparable damage to my hair, scalp, and brain.
If you want in on my secrets to “keeping that mane” hit me up, I’ll dish it to you straight. On the house.
I rarely get BO. I think it’s because I am too small to get smelly. Like a fruit bat.
Isa Fruits give me super duper toots! But they’re worth it.
My mom is the sweetest lady on earth and I love her dearly, but I just have to share this with you:
So, ma was staying a few nights at my house awhile back.
She was about 4 glasses into a bottle of wine and walks into the living room, where my wife and I are relaxing for the evening.
Completely out of the blue — we’re talking totally at random — she says, “I don’t mean to bring this up and we don’t have to take a lot of time on this… but have you guys thought about how you are going to deal with the tsunami when it hits Oregon?”
“What tsunami?” I asked, trying to keep a straight face. “Why are you always talking about tsunamis?”
(See, she owns a beach house and has the tsunami evacuation routes all neatly mapped out for it. THAT I get. But Portland is 80 miles inland and I live up on a hill.)
“I was talking to a lady in Newport the other day and she told me there WILL be a tsunami,” she says.
“Oh my God, Mom, how does this lady know there WILL be a tsunami? Is she a coastie Nostradmus?” I mocked.
“Todd, it’s going to affect I-5 and we need a plan on where we will all meet up.”
At this point I am partly messing with her because I love her and it’s fun and partly so we can change the subject.
“Okay mom, let’s meet at Dad’s house,” I said. “He has food left over from his Y2K stockpile, plus, plenty of guns and ammo.”
“Sounds like a plan, Todd,” she replies.
The next morning, I’m in the shower and I hear a knock on the door. Guess who?
“Todd, do you mind if I come in and use the bathroom?” she asks.
I’m thinking she just has to pee.
All of a sudden, she storms in: “Sorry to stink up the bathroom, but something isn’t sitting well in my stomach.”
“Mom, what, please tell me you’re not going to poop!?!” I say. (FML!)
“It could always be worse,” she says.
“HOW could it be worse than this mom?” I ask.
“Well, a tsunami could hit mid-poop,” she says.
That awkward conversation about tsunamis and upset stomachs tells a lot about my mom.
I don’t really consider myself a “people person.” Interacting with peeps — or, worse yet, selling to strangers? So not my cup of tea.
I’m constantly working on becoming more cool, calm, and collected in social/sales settings.
I am short.
Approximately 5’ 8”, that’s all you get. My good friend’s wife calls me “tiny dancer.”
Hey, at least I’m handsome and lean baby!
I’m totally in love with my wife and my little girl.
I have been with my wife for 15 years, she is an amazing mother and wife and I love her more today than I ever have. This doesn’t mean we haven’t had our challenges but we always come out the other end stronger and better.
My daughter is my inspiration and has changed my life for the better. She makes me smile, keeps me young and makes life FUN.
She’s taught me to use my imagination again (like all kids do!) and challenges me to be a better person.
It’s amazing what a 3 year old can do to you, isn’t it?
They say “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Nonsense.
“New tricks” is life. Embrace it.
Now that you know me, it’s Tara’s turn.
10 EMBARRASSING FACTS ABOUT TARA
Every morning when I get up I go into the bathroom and turn on my hair dryer. Not to dry my hair – just to listen to it and feel it’s warmth. I could stand in front of it for hours in a meditative state. Yes, I go through a LOT of hair dryers!
I am scared to death of snakes – and worms. I have a re-occuring nightmare of going to the grocery store and finding snakes slithering through the oranges.
I’m strangely particular about cleanliness and the organization of my home. When my son was little, I use to walk around behind him picking up after him. He was only allowed to have one toy out at a time.
My counselor informed me that if I didn’t back off I was going to damage him.
His first word wasn’t “mommy” it was “vacuum”. And at 14 years old his room is meticulously spotless. Cleanliness just runs in our family – ask Todd.
My dream is to live “Little House on the Prairie” style. Out in the middle of no where – sustaining ourselves off the land.
Not sure how this is going to work out for me because I have a terrible green thumb. I kill everything and I will probably starve my entire family to death! Thank God we have Isagenix.
I love lemons. I slice them up really thin, sprinkle some salt on them and eat them. Rind and all.
I love chicken gizzards. I sauté them in some oil, salt them and eat them whole. Crunchy – chewy goodness!
My bladder is the size of a tea cup. I pee about every 45 minutes, sometimes more. On cleanse days it’s downright ridiculous. Drink all the water – Pee all the time!
My friends take road trips with me at their own risk.
When I was in high school I wanted to be like the guys so I chewed tobacco.
I am very easily distracted and have a difficult time focusing. It’s gotten way better since I’ve started using Ionix but – Squirrel!
My right armpit sweats more than my left one and my left foot is bigger than my right.
Well, there you go. That’s our dirty laundry. Thank you for allowing us to be so weird!